Hesitation

I generally prefer to keep personal information and life stories out of my public writing. I prefer anonymity, but I've had a few question a certain aspect of myself that I'm a bit embarrassed I have. I've been this way since I was very young, but wasn't diagnosed until I was 22. I am schizophrenic. I've seen many TV shows that I regularly watch occasionally portray a schizophrenic, and each time I see it, everything seems standard. Yet, everyone around me says it's 'trippy'. I don't quite understand, but I digress.

Do tell...

For several years now, I have been jumping from one jagged little pill to another, seeking some magical chemical combination that will make me 'normal'. I fail to see how this is going to help. Tearing me out of my own world and thrusting me into the one I try to avoid is only going to make it worse. So I'm given more pills to calm me down, to quiet my mind, and to make me numb. This diagnosis automatically makes me a potential threat to myself or the people around me, but this is hardly true. I'm too preoccupied by the many facets of the world that I have little time to devote myself to 'reality'.

Perhaps when I'm not so tired, I can write a small Q&A about what I see, hear, and think. It's not that bad if you can handle the more frightening aspects of it. On the other hand, I've seen and heard things most people can't even imagine. I have currently lost the world again and my coherency is lacking, so I will attend to this at a later date, lest I start writing unintelligible gibberish.

Silly little string.

Silly little string. You float and waft in places no one can see.

Do tell...

Are you shy? You've wandered from the ribbon you've known your entire life.

Where are you now? You choose to don the lapel of a nice business suit on a man riding his way to the top of a skyscraper to view over his realm. This is dangerous, a woman comes in with a brush! Now you are refuse, once on top of the world now lowered to almost nothing.

Where are they taking you? You become jumbled in with your brethren of rubbish, watching the world you once knew pass you by as you venture to a world unknown. Birds of a feather flock together, but in this case forced together in large amounts.

How do you feel little string? You sit and wait, watch the sun and moon do their daily changing of the guard. More is piled on top of you, but struggling seems pointless. It's over, the world, the light, the fun. A rumbling can be heard, and suddenly you're on the move again.

Where are they taking you this time little one? It's dark and all sound is muffled by the horrendous weight being applied to you. You've come to a stop, the light is shining now, and men in masks are putting you on belts. You ride and people take some of your brethren and let the others continue along the path. You bid farewell shortly before you fall though a hole with many more like yourself.

Where are you little string? You've found more like you, only there are so many colors! Water is pouring in and a man is adding a bag of white powder.

What does this mean? You seek for answers in vein as you witness your brothers struggle for position. Some float to the top to see the light once more, others give in and sink to the bottom. You wait and ponder to see what happens next. Something turned on, and you slowly start to spin. You drift in and out of a daze. Each time you look around, there is less color in the world. Finally your awake, the world is no longer spinning, but everyone around you emits a radiating light. You're being packed up again. Spirits are low now that you and your brothers have the difficulty of telling each other apart.

Where are you going this time little white one? You've stopped moving yet again. You're not sure how much longer some of your brothers will make it. Some are tattered or torn, and all are tired. You must give them strength.

What's happening now little one of white? You're being dumped in a large tub with a hole at the bottom. The only thing you can think is "Not this again..." You see the machines ahead of you and become so terrified, you passed out.

Are you okay little one? Ah, you're up again, but you're no longer yourself. You still hold that same glinting white, but it's hard to tell where you begin and your brothers end.

Does this frighten you soft white one? Stacks of you are piled up and taken to a room with large vats. The stacks are separated and one by one are sunk into a new batch of fluids.

I see you sleep this one out of your mind, but is it so horrible? You've been hung up to drip the excess of that beautiful green color you now exude.

Is your strength waning so close to the end my soft, green friend? Being cut into lengths must be terrifying. Hang in there. You look up to see a gray-haired woman standing and smiling over you. She talks to you as if you were her own child. She asks what would you like to become.

Are you happy, or confused my little one? The drawing begins. Needles poke out of every orifice just so you can be held together long enough for more needles to go in and out of your body.

Does it hurt my misshapen little green one? Form starts to come out of nowhere. You're amazed by what you're turning into. Now to be wrapped up and ready for the final move.

Are you nervous my cute little one? The movement has ceased and the box you're in has finally made it inside. A man tears into the box and pulls everything out, including yourself, and puts it on a cart. A woman then walks up from behind and shoves something plastic into you. She lifts you by this thing and places you next to others that look exactly like you. The game of watching the light come and go continues.

Are you lonely my adorable little one? Every day, people come and touch you and your brothers on racks. Some are taken and never seen again. It sounds disturbing on so many levels.

Do you see her, little one? The girl with the brown curly hair. Now is the time to let yourself shine. Radiate your elegance with every fiber of your form.

Does she see you now my friend? She appears to be walking over and then you hear those words, "This is my favwit color! I want THIS one pwease daddy pwease!" You're taken off the hanger and set in a room with a mirror. Next thing you realize, you feel very warm pressed close against this tiny girl, and suddenly have a desire to protect her. No one really looked very closely at the left sleeve though. There was a loose string.

Silly little string, where do you think you're going? It appears all things have their own life cycle.

Are you happy? I guess that depends on where and how you choose to be. There will be another day, and another string.

»∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞«

Bilateral Perspectivism

Perspective is an interesting concept. Sometimes changing perspectives can hurt more than anything, and yet sometimes it's necessary. Being that man lives for his community, and the community cannot strive without the man, social structure floats upon the whims of the popular. The truly anti-social avoid all this by shunning a basic aspect of human nature. On the one hand, a man can protect himself from the lunacy of the so-called 'rat race'. On the other, he will have nothing to fall back on should the need arise. An anti-social nature is hard to change and potentially frightening , but altering it can lead to great things if one has the courage to see it though. Sometimes you can't tell where a puzzle piece fits until you turn it around.

Do tell...

A man not need ponder for too long on the who or why of his existence. For in wondering, he has proven his life and thereto his worth. There is still a problem with this idiosyncratic concept. Once he has satisfied himself with the knowledge of his own identity, his confidence may wane with the fear of society denying his conclusion. Those with confidence enough to sustain the morale of the populace at large are the ones to lead the collective 'us'. Maintaining that assuredness or belief in oneself is the key element that most fail to conquer.

"Believing means liberating the indestructible element in oneself, or, more accurately, being indestructible, or, more accurately, being." Franz Kafka - Diaries

Ambivalence

I figured a social experience with which I'm not used to would be a challenge in itself, but I contracted a fever and severe back pain. Luckily, I had a lot of support, which is more than I can say now. You'd think that the internet would be easier to connect to as technology develops, but the more idiots there are out there trying to connect, the less I'm able to tweak my own connection. Thereby creating incompatibilities with MMO's and various other online applications. Considering I practically grew up on the net (I was on Darpa at the age of 3 XD), this is a great hindrance on my daily life.

Do tell...

I've been told by a few now that I should write to publish my works. I apparently have a unique perspective on life and a vocabulary to back it up. It causes me to wonder though, what exactly makes a good writer? Is it within the prose or is it the story itself. I would like opinions on this matter as this may be a life altering experience for me. Perhaps I can live without an even minor amount of socialization and I'd still contribute to society if only in writing. Being anti-social has it's drawbacks... obviously.

Anime convention... done.

I'm told by many that the point of going to an anime convention is the social aspect of being able to get to know more people like yourself. While I do meet one or two people each year I find interesting, the majority of con goers annoy the shit out of me. I get a unique view into the culture from the perspective of one who runs the anime and makes sure no one is sleeping/making out/having sex/whatever, and being that gives me a bit of an elevated view of the beast aptly dubbed fanboy/fangirl.

This year was a bit more interesting than last only because of the things I found in the rooms while cleaning them and straightening them up. Oh, and waking the sleepers in fun and annoying ways.

Do tell...

The first odd find was a rolled up used baby diaper sitting on one of the seats of theater 4. I looked at it and asked myself, is that what I think it is? The woman sitting back a few seats commented on how horrible it was and thanked me for getting rid of it. One of the rooms in particular had an L shape, so part of the room had nothing in it. When it's dark in there, you can't see anything in that corner. Many interesting things showed up there. I found a freshly used condom. Though a really cutesy show was on at the time so I'm a bit confused by that one. There was a used joint that I had to get hotel security to dispose of. How no one noticed it I have no clue. A fellow vid staffer said he'd found a giant bottle of sake there too.

We didn't have an allotted time to let the equipment cool down this year, so we were having trouble with some of the projectors. Very minor problem there. While I was cleaning once, I came upon a couple making out in one of the viewing rooms. They were surrounded by junk and I had to sort out which was theirs while their lips were locked together. If they thought that gibberish they were spouting while tonguing each other was in any way intelligible, they were sorely mistaken.

All in all, it was a good year, though many glitches did occur. I thought it was going to be horrible as I was going into it with a fever of over 103. Then one of my roommates flooded the floor. Another stormed out early Saturday and checked out. All of our room keys stopped working after that, which was troublesome. The flood girl's boyfriend was apparently sleeping outside our door for the first night. That struck me as being both odd and very sad at the same time.

I was hesitant to go back again, but I like a good challenge and I did meet some new people I found to be very interesting. For now though, I continue my life on the net, with the occasional break for TV/wc/food (if I remember to eat, that is). I'm looking forward to next year.