Perspective is an interesting concept. Sometimes changing perspectives can hurt more than anything, and yet sometimes it's necessary. Being that man lives for his community, and the community cannot strive without the man, social structure floats upon the whims of the popular. The truly anti-social avoid all this by shunning a basic aspect of human nature. On the one hand, a man can protect himself from the lunacy of the so-called 'rat race'. On the other, he will have nothing to fall back on should the need arise. An anti-social nature is hard to change and potentially frightening , but altering it can lead to great things if one has the courage to see it though. Sometimes you can't tell where a puzzle piece fits until you turn it around.
Do tell...
A man not need ponder for too long on the who or why of his existence. For in wondering, he has proven his life and thereto his worth. There is still a problem with this idiosyncratic concept. Once he has satisfied himself with the knowledge of his own identity, his confidence may wane with the fear of society denying his conclusion. Those with confidence enough to sustain the morale of the populace at large are the ones to lead the collective 'us'. Maintaining that assuredness or belief in oneself is the key element that most fail to conquer.
"Believing means liberating the indestructible element in oneself, or, more accurately, being indestructible, or, more accurately, being." Franz Kafka - Diaries
Monday, September 14, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
Ambivalence
I figured a social experience with which I'm not used to would be a challenge in itself, but I contracted a fever and severe back pain. Luckily, I had a lot of support, which is more than I can say now. You'd think that the internet would be easier to connect to as technology develops, but the more idiots there are out there trying to connect, the less I'm able to tweak my own connection. Thereby creating incompatibilities with MMO's and various other online applications. Considering I practically grew up on the net (I was on Darpa at the age of 3 XD), this is a great hindrance on my daily life.
Do tell...
I've been told by a few now that I should write to publish my works. I apparently have a unique perspective on life and a vocabulary to back it up. It causes me to wonder though, what exactly makes a good writer? Is it within the prose or is it the story itself. I would like opinions on this matter as this may be a life altering experience for me. Perhaps I can live without an even minor amount of socialization and I'd still contribute to society if only in writing. Being anti-social has it's drawbacks... obviously.
Do tell...
I've been told by a few now that I should write to publish my works. I apparently have a unique perspective on life and a vocabulary to back it up. It causes me to wonder though, what exactly makes a good writer? Is it within the prose or is it the story itself. I would like opinions on this matter as this may be a life altering experience for me. Perhaps I can live without an even minor amount of socialization and I'd still contribute to society if only in writing. Being anti-social has it's drawbacks... obviously.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Anime convention... done.
I'm told by many that the point of going to an anime convention is the social aspect of being able to get to know more people like yourself. While I do meet one or two people each year I find interesting, the majority of con goers annoy the shit out of me. I get a unique view into the culture from the perspective of one who runs the anime and makes sure no one is sleeping/making out/having sex/whatever, and being that gives me a bit of an elevated view of the beast aptly dubbed fanboy/fangirl.
This year was a bit more interesting than last only because of the things I found in the rooms while cleaning them and straightening them up. Oh, and waking the sleepers in fun and annoying ways.
Do tell...
The first odd find was a rolled up used baby diaper sitting on one of the seats of theater 4. I looked at it and asked myself, is that what I think it is? The woman sitting back a few seats commented on how horrible it was and thanked me for getting rid of it. One of the rooms in particular had an L shape, so part of the room had nothing in it. When it's dark in there, you can't see anything in that corner. Many interesting things showed up there. I found a freshly used condom. Though a really cutesy show was on at the time so I'm a bit confused by that one. There was a used joint that I had to get hotel security to dispose of. How no one noticed it I have no clue. A fellow vid staffer said he'd found a giant bottle of sake there too.
We didn't have an allotted time to let the equipment cool down this year, so we were having trouble with some of the projectors. Very minor problem there. While I was cleaning once, I came upon a couple making out in one of the viewing rooms. They were surrounded by junk and I had to sort out which was theirs while their lips were locked together. If they thought that gibberish they were spouting while tonguing each other was in any way intelligible, they were sorely mistaken.
All in all, it was a good year, though many glitches did occur. I thought it was going to be horrible as I was going into it with a fever of over 103. Then one of my roommates flooded the floor. Another stormed out early Saturday and checked out. All of our room keys stopped working after that, which was troublesome. The flood girl's boyfriend was apparently sleeping outside our door for the first night. That struck me as being both odd and very sad at the same time.
I was hesitant to go back again, but I like a good challenge and I did meet some new people I found to be very interesting. For now though, I continue my life on the net, with the occasional break for TV/wc/food (if I remember to eat, that is). I'm looking forward to next year.
This year was a bit more interesting than last only because of the things I found in the rooms while cleaning them and straightening them up. Oh, and waking the sleepers in fun and annoying ways.
Do tell...
The first odd find was a rolled up used baby diaper sitting on one of the seats of theater 4. I looked at it and asked myself, is that what I think it is? The woman sitting back a few seats commented on how horrible it was and thanked me for getting rid of it. One of the rooms in particular had an L shape, so part of the room had nothing in it. When it's dark in there, you can't see anything in that corner. Many interesting things showed up there. I found a freshly used condom. Though a really cutesy show was on at the time so I'm a bit confused by that one. There was a used joint that I had to get hotel security to dispose of. How no one noticed it I have no clue. A fellow vid staffer said he'd found a giant bottle of sake there too.
We didn't have an allotted time to let the equipment cool down this year, so we were having trouble with some of the projectors. Very minor problem there. While I was cleaning once, I came upon a couple making out in one of the viewing rooms. They were surrounded by junk and I had to sort out which was theirs while their lips were locked together. If they thought that gibberish they were spouting while tonguing each other was in any way intelligible, they were sorely mistaken.
All in all, it was a good year, though many glitches did occur. I thought it was going to be horrible as I was going into it with a fever of over 103. Then one of my roommates flooded the floor. Another stormed out early Saturday and checked out. All of our room keys stopped working after that, which was troublesome. The flood girl's boyfriend was apparently sleeping outside our door for the first night. That struck me as being both odd and very sad at the same time.
I was hesitant to go back again, but I like a good challenge and I did meet some new people I found to be very interesting. For now though, I continue my life on the net, with the occasional break for TV/wc/food (if I remember to eat, that is). I'm looking forward to next year.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Perhaps another day...
Pardon the eccentricities of borderline lucidity. Mayhaps the other way round. Negative symptoms are supposed to contain unintelligible rants, yet the speaker understands all. I'm not sure being on the giving side of this. I've postponed updating many a time due to flux caused by ineffective medication and poor cranial chemical imbalances. It's rather difficult to translate. I pause, and I digress.
The label applied changes considerably with time. For now, it is called Schizo affective Disorder. A type of schizophrenia but apparently with a slightly better prognosis. I've avoided this being out for all to see, but it's not like it's going to go away and maybe teach you about the illness and the kinds of things I see.
Will possibly amend later for further legibility or commentary. I shall leave that for another day. Lucidity in the late evening will dictate whether or not that will happen, but it's time to get it out there.
The label applied changes considerably with time. For now, it is called Schizo affective Disorder. A type of schizophrenia but apparently with a slightly better prognosis. I've avoided this being out for all to see, but it's not like it's going to go away and maybe teach you about the illness and the kinds of things I see.
Will possibly amend later for further legibility or commentary. I shall leave that for another day. Lucidity in the late evening will dictate whether or not that will happen, but it's time to get it out there.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Doctor Rant v3.0 Final
I have noticed recently that the struggles in my life, though annoying, are becoming interesting passing memories. They don't build up as heavily as they have in the past. I attribute this mostly to my daily medication cocktail, but if I can't be sane without it, I'm glad I've found a somewhat good combination. I had a rather bad experience at my appointment a week ago, and have since had one thing after another happen. It seems the only thing that actually bothered me was the doctor's visit though. It made me realize just how bad it was comparing it to my other mishaps.
Do tell...
I went in last week for a bad earache. I had a low grade fever and had a very high fever the week before. The first doctor ignored it, though I probably should have been put on antibiotics. Over the next week, the ringing in my ears increased, I had more migraines, and I was bumping into things and getting bruises in places I don't remember hitting. I figure, I must have an ear infection, like my boyfriend was treated for a few days before. I reluctantly made an appointment and gave the reason 'inner ear pain' for the visit.
Before the doctor is notified that I'm here, the PA or nurse or whatever gives me a hearing test that I mostly pass. My heart rate was 122 at rest and my blood pressure was really low. The doctor comes in and talks with me about my symptoms. After 5 minutes of talking, she says there may be something wrong with my ears. My heart sunk and any shred of confidence I had in this clinic darted out the window. All that was running through my head while she was searching for 'the ear checking thingy' was "no shit Sherlock" and "thank you Captain Obvious," then "did she just call the otoscope a thingy???" She came back and laughed at the fact that it was hanging on the wall behind me. I almost cried.
She tried to look in my right ear and couldn't see anything. I asked "so there's no ear infection?" She said "no, I mean I can't see... I forgot to turn on the light..." I teared up a little. I wanted out of there so badly I almost didn't care about the pain. She turned the light on and looked in again. It was very painful and immediately evident that the eardrum had ruptured and was bleeding. She looked in the other ear and said it looked fine. I asked if the infection appeared to be bacterial or not. Why I expected anything other than the response I received, I don't know. She said she didn't think there was an infection as there weren't any signs of one.
............ I held back as much as I could, but I couldn't conceive how this ditz passed high school let alone med school.
I asked if my fever was a sign, the fast heart rate, the low blood pressure, the loss of equilibrium, or I don't know... the pain? She said she had to go speak to her boss about it and left the room. She came back 10 minutes later with a prescription paper in her hands and the check-out sheet with her. She said it sounded like it was vertigo. The bleeding ear is due to a puncture wound, the fever is due to a cold, the heart rate was due to one of my medications, and I was bumping into things because of the dizziness from vertigo. I held my breath a little and squeaked out the question, "and the low blood pressure?" I got "when was the last time you ate?" as an answer. I didn't even say I ate before I came and that the medication she was talking about has never in the 5 years I've been taking it done that. I just couldn't hold back anymore, I snapped.
For some reason, I cry when I'm really frustrated or pissed off, but not for many other reasons. If I'm really sad I just watch TV with a blank stare or sleep. In this case, I was just completely overwhelmed. She remarked on how it must suck to be told you have vertigo, but it's not that bad. What I said after that, I shan't repeat. It was very verbose and was spiced by some very colorful four-letter words. It felt like a direct insult to my intelligence to tell me that I was dumb enough to rupture my eardrum by sticking something in my ear. Not only that, but continuing past that point to hit something in my middle ear bad enough for it to bleed for over a week. I pride myself on my ability to convey a certain message eloquently and usually with an expanded vocabulary and very precise enunciation. I must not be as good as I thought, as I can figure no other way to assume that diagnosis was even remotely accurate.
Long story short, I didn't fill my vertigo pills, I cancelled my follow-up appointment and I'm going to find another PCP and/or clinic to go to. Until then, I will treat myself. I suppose I'm lucky to have a good psychiatrist. If I thought I would find later use for one, I would invest in my own otoscope. That way I know when I can use drops in my ears to help keep them clear.
I realise this is getting long, but I don't opt to rant online much. Perhaps this will be cathartic, and hopefully the final one. I mentioned earlier how this compares to the other things that have happened this week. I will mention them briefly so as to compare what I feel this experience is worse than. I don't mean to come off as wanting sympathy or a need to have the worst life or anything like that, as many of these things I actually enjoyed having done after the fact. Hurray for hindsight. Yes, that was sarcasm, and let the list begin.
I had to do data recovery on my computer. One of the programs I used to help me with it had a trojan on it. I had to close all ports on the network and find the protocol it was using to send data. I found it and erased it, but it corrupted a large part of the kernel and several of my programs. I had to do recovery on my system for three days to restore everything and then arranged the accounts on my computer so it would be near impossible to duplicate. I did yet more data recovery without the use of easier programs. I cut my tongue on something and it swelled nearly twice its normal size. I still have no clue what cut it. I had cereal and got really sick afterward. I don't think the milk was bad, but I would hate it if my dairy allergy has gotten that bad. I love cheese. I tried to refill my medications, like I do every month at this time, and all but one of them came up in the computer as needing prior authorization, even though I had refills on them. Apparently the pharmacy's computer glitched and erased the last month and a half of my medical history and when it was submitted to my insurance, it was flagged. I've been fighting every day since and am out of a few of my medications. Finally, I nearly broke my middle left toe on my desk while trying to scoot out of it. My foot slipped on the carpet and right into the corner of my desk. Luckily, it buckled when it hit and I only ended up losing about a third of my toenail. I'm sure I won't be limping for too much longer.
On the bright side of things, my toe isn't broken, I was able to save my computer and all data on it, I learned how to manipulate the system in many ways I didn't know before, and my hearing is slowly coming back. Oh, and I don't have vertigo! Yay!
Hurray for positive thinking! Yes, I am rather fond of sarcasm...
Do tell...
I went in last week for a bad earache. I had a low grade fever and had a very high fever the week before. The first doctor ignored it, though I probably should have been put on antibiotics. Over the next week, the ringing in my ears increased, I had more migraines, and I was bumping into things and getting bruises in places I don't remember hitting. I figure, I must have an ear infection, like my boyfriend was treated for a few days before. I reluctantly made an appointment and gave the reason 'inner ear pain' for the visit.
Before the doctor is notified that I'm here, the PA or nurse or whatever gives me a hearing test that I mostly pass. My heart rate was 122 at rest and my blood pressure was really low. The doctor comes in and talks with me about my symptoms. After 5 minutes of talking, she says there may be something wrong with my ears. My heart sunk and any shred of confidence I had in this clinic darted out the window. All that was running through my head while she was searching for 'the ear checking thingy' was "no shit Sherlock" and "thank you Captain Obvious," then "did she just call the otoscope a thingy???" She came back and laughed at the fact that it was hanging on the wall behind me. I almost cried.
She tried to look in my right ear and couldn't see anything. I asked "so there's no ear infection?" She said "no, I mean I can't see... I forgot to turn on the light..." I teared up a little. I wanted out of there so badly I almost didn't care about the pain. She turned the light on and looked in again. It was very painful and immediately evident that the eardrum had ruptured and was bleeding. She looked in the other ear and said it looked fine. I asked if the infection appeared to be bacterial or not. Why I expected anything other than the response I received, I don't know. She said she didn't think there was an infection as there weren't any signs of one.
............ I held back as much as I could, but I couldn't conceive how this ditz passed high school let alone med school.
I asked if my fever was a sign, the fast heart rate, the low blood pressure, the loss of equilibrium, or I don't know... the pain? She said she had to go speak to her boss about it and left the room. She came back 10 minutes later with a prescription paper in her hands and the check-out sheet with her. She said it sounded like it was vertigo. The bleeding ear is due to a puncture wound, the fever is due to a cold, the heart rate was due to one of my medications, and I was bumping into things because of the dizziness from vertigo. I held my breath a little and squeaked out the question, "and the low blood pressure?" I got "when was the last time you ate?" as an answer. I didn't even say I ate before I came and that the medication she was talking about has never in the 5 years I've been taking it done that. I just couldn't hold back anymore, I snapped.
For some reason, I cry when I'm really frustrated or pissed off, but not for many other reasons. If I'm really sad I just watch TV with a blank stare or sleep. In this case, I was just completely overwhelmed. She remarked on how it must suck to be told you have vertigo, but it's not that bad. What I said after that, I shan't repeat. It was very verbose and was spiced by some very colorful four-letter words. It felt like a direct insult to my intelligence to tell me that I was dumb enough to rupture my eardrum by sticking something in my ear. Not only that, but continuing past that point to hit something in my middle ear bad enough for it to bleed for over a week. I pride myself on my ability to convey a certain message eloquently and usually with an expanded vocabulary and very precise enunciation. I must not be as good as I thought, as I can figure no other way to assume that diagnosis was even remotely accurate.
Long story short, I didn't fill my vertigo pills, I cancelled my follow-up appointment and I'm going to find another PCP and/or clinic to go to. Until then, I will treat myself. I suppose I'm lucky to have a good psychiatrist. If I thought I would find later use for one, I would invest in my own otoscope. That way I know when I can use drops in my ears to help keep them clear.
I realise this is getting long, but I don't opt to rant online much. Perhaps this will be cathartic, and hopefully the final one. I mentioned earlier how this compares to the other things that have happened this week. I will mention them briefly so as to compare what I feel this experience is worse than. I don't mean to come off as wanting sympathy or a need to have the worst life or anything like that, as many of these things I actually enjoyed having done after the fact. Hurray for hindsight. Yes, that was sarcasm, and let the list begin.
I had to do data recovery on my computer. One of the programs I used to help me with it had a trojan on it. I had to close all ports on the network and find the protocol it was using to send data. I found it and erased it, but it corrupted a large part of the kernel and several of my programs. I had to do recovery on my system for three days to restore everything and then arranged the accounts on my computer so it would be near impossible to duplicate. I did yet more data recovery without the use of easier programs. I cut my tongue on something and it swelled nearly twice its normal size. I still have no clue what cut it. I had cereal and got really sick afterward. I don't think the milk was bad, but I would hate it if my dairy allergy has gotten that bad. I love cheese. I tried to refill my medications, like I do every month at this time, and all but one of them came up in the computer as needing prior authorization, even though I had refills on them. Apparently the pharmacy's computer glitched and erased the last month and a half of my medical history and when it was submitted to my insurance, it was flagged. I've been fighting every day since and am out of a few of my medications. Finally, I nearly broke my middle left toe on my desk while trying to scoot out of it. My foot slipped on the carpet and right into the corner of my desk. Luckily, it buckled when it hit and I only ended up losing about a third of my toenail. I'm sure I won't be limping for too much longer.
On the bright side of things, my toe isn't broken, I was able to save my computer and all data on it, I learned how to manipulate the system in many ways I didn't know before, and my hearing is slowly coming back. Oh, and I don't have vertigo! Yay!
Hurray for positive thinking! Yes, I am rather fond of sarcasm...
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