Pondering Tedium

Boredom is something that plagues every conscious life-form at some point or another. I myself was constantly bored in class and often still am. I was told by a teacher that if you're bored, then you're boring. I found this to be a bit off-putting, and I began my days of doodling in the margins. If I wasn't allowed to doodle, play with my pencil, bounce my leg, or do any of my other obviously ADHD tendencies, then what was I to do? I would immerse myself into something so small and unimportant that the rest of the world would seemingly vanish.

Do tell...

At first, it was just picking at the bumps on my arm or pulling on the threads on the hole in my jeans where my knee should be. This would only work so long before all reality would come rushing back at me like a bullet train. The key was not to let anyone else notice you'd snapped back into awareness. Just nod like you've been listening the whole time. Recess will come soon.

After a while, the teachers told my mother to medicate me or I wouldn't be allowed back in, or something along those lines. I was eventually being spoon-fed Ritalin and Prozac on a daily basis. The first thing I noticed was the ability to see things closer and in more depth than ever before. Suddenly, the bumps on my arm or peeling paint off my pencil was deemed more important than these new minuscule tasks in my mind. I could see the fiber granules in the wooden desk, I could count how many nicks were in the side of the desk, and my mind wandered to the idea of calculating how many months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and seconds I've been alive. I had discovered blind tedium.

After I hit puberty, Ritalin stopped working the way it was supposed to, and I was put on Dexedrine. For those who don't know, Dexedrine is a rather strong amphetamine that was used like speed "back in the day." On this new drug, I could see and absorb everything within my view as a separate entity, but all of them at the same time. I could think two different thoughts at once! My mind had always jumped from image to image in rapid succession, and the Ritalin slowed it from a hurricane to a mild torrent. Now, it was like I was Neptune controlling the tides at will. It was a bit euphoric, but this wouldn't last.

After a few months being on the drug, I noticed that my daily "rituals" were almost done without thought nearly at the same time every day. Patterns in life, which used to be a passion of mine, now needed little to no thought at all. Perception was done in passing and my mind was blank. This was very relaxing, until I realized I was no longer letting my mind wonder to intangible flights of fancy. I was in the doldrums, and I needed to find my muse again. It didn't take much. I lay my hands on the piano keys and music came out. I take a pencil and put it to paper and see something beautiful. I was in the doldrums, but I was in tune with myself, my surroundings, and my hobbies more than I had ever dreamed of! The side-effects of weight loss and no appetite were insignificant compared to the outcome.

I was taken off the Dexedrine after 5 years, and it has been reinstated into my daily regimen only recently. I've let myself sink into the abyss of my silent mind and rest motionless. When I feel the need to regain full consciousness, I will be in my best form, awaiting all the universe has to offer.